9.27.24...Bizzare dream I had

Friday

So the earliest part of the dream I can remember is taking shelter from some kind of natural disaster. I was with two mexican coworkers, one older guy who works with me in the dishpit and a younger guy who works on the line. I guess it had calmed down temporarily because me and the younger guy left to get some more food, and I remember it looking like it had just finished raining outside. I think this part of the dream came from my friend Falcon, who lives in Florida which is having a hurricane atm. I don't quite remember the journey to whatever store we went to, but I remember there just being a big pile of junk food...I can't recall what led to the next part I remember, how the dream logic/circumstances changed, maybe I was traveling with some kind of group? But I found myself in some kind of hospital lobby and the only occupants were me, my Grandma and Great Aunt. They were having a casual conversation and at some point they brought up that my Great Aunt was DYING. I was NOT aware of this and they were like "oh you didn't know that?" super casually as if I didn't know she was taking a road trip or something.

The last part I can remember is of her final moments, but the logic here was incredibly strange... it was in real life, but, also in VRChat??? It was real life yet I could bring up the Oculus menus and everything with my controllers, and I was asked by someone to stream her final moments. She was lying in a hospital bed unconscious, and my dad whos been dead for two years now was also lying on a little bed on the floor somewhere nearby. He didn't look like a corpse nor was he dressed in any fancy way, but I don't think he was alive either and I didn't really acknowlage his presence. Anyway, there was a timer counting down to the moment she would die, about 16 minutes. I was trying to start the stream, but my contollers were glitching out and weren't cooperating with me, something they do far too often. But this was the worst possible time they could've done this. After a few minutes of fighting with them, I was having a full blown panic attack and shouting at the top of my lungs "NOOOOOO! NOOOOOO!". In desperation, I restarted my headset to try and get them to fucking work, and that's when I woke up.

I'm not sure how exactly to end this log, but I guess I'll say that the infuriating experience of owning the Quest Pro controllers even haunts my dreams.

9.23.24...The redemption of time and of the floor in my house

Monday

Just finished The Redemption of Time by Baoshu and I certainly have some thoughts... For those who are unfamiliar, It's an unofficial fourth entry in the Three Body Problem trilogy, officially supported by the original author Cixin Liu. The quote on the front calls it "A thrilling, fascinating new adventure to uncover more mysteries of the Three-Body world". It certainly delivers on the uncovering mysteries part, and I'm certainly glad I read it, but as a book, i think it's a bit weak. The vast majority of it isn't really stuff happening, but rather people explaining stuff thats happened, happening, or is going to happen. There isn't a whole lot of plot we actually get to see for ourselves. To be fair, a lot of what happens is kind of beyond human comprehension, and I don't think taking us for a ride through it was Baoshus goal anyways. It wanted to answer questions and it did that. The Three-Body community is very mixed on this book and I can totally see why, it's contributions to the Three-Body universe are very bold to say the least. I might write a review for this book if it keeps weighing on my mind, and it's only 269 pages anyway so theres not too much to go over. I DEFINITLEY have some thoughts on it's ending!

Speaking of ending, I've been ripping up carpet in my house for the past few days! The house I live in is old and run down. It doesn't look good, and when you walk in it doesn't smell good. One major contributor to that stench was the rancid carpet in my parents bedroom, blackened with dog excrement. The other day, I finally got my moms permission to rip it out! The process of ripping up old carpet is so satisfying to me, almost like I'm banishing a demon! Cutting a line into it with a box cutter, rolling it up and throwing it into the dumpster in the alley, scraping up the tile with padding caked onto it with old piss and throwing all that out too. I love it. I haven't presented this idea to my family just yet but I honestly want to just get rid of all the carpet in the house, it's all gross. I really don't get why anyone would deliberately put carpet down when tile and rugs are so much easier to maintain. If you spill something on tile that's a little "oopsie daisys!" and you can get it cleaned up in like ten minutes. If you spill something on CARPET, thats hours of work just to get that one stain out. And if that's what it takes to clean one stain, how are you supposed to clean years worth of grime and dirt buildup?! If you want a soft surface to walk on so bad, why not just put rugs down everywhere? I can't wait for the day we look at carpet the same way we look at popcorn ceiling and lead paint, a relic of the past.

9.19.24...Psychedelics are fun, but...

Thursday

All I've ever wanted out of a trip was self discovery, and all I've ever gotten was fun. To be fair, I'd rather have a fun trip than a terrifying one, but I was under the belief that Psychedelics would "expand my mind" or whatever. Maybe I just need to let it happen naturally, my buddy Falcon told me his boss took shrooms intending to have fun and wound up, in his own words, "talking to god". He quit pretty much every substance he was using. Must be nice. Maybe it's just cuz I have no god to talk to.

I've never done anything super crazy, just shrooms and acid. I'd try a DMT cart if they weren't $200! Yesterday I decided to have a shroom trip in VRChat around my friends. I DID play VRChat the first time I took shrooms in January, but I didn't have finger tracking or any friends I felt comfortable being that vulnerable around, so this time around I took shrooms specifically with the intent of playing VRChat. I recorded about twenty minutes of my trip. You can watch it HERE if you want.

9.8.2024...Writing & Fighting

Sunday

Today was a very good day and a very bad day. I'll start of with the good cuz I don't wanna start negatively and it took up more of my day anyway.
One of my VR friends Gladiator went off to boot camp back in July, and I finally got a letter from him yesterday! Here's what his sona looks like. I'd credit the artist but unfortunately I don't know who they are and Gladiator never told me before he left. The artist IS a total fucking legend tho, he said he wouldn't be able to do Gladi's ref sheet for another few weeks, but when he heard that he was going to boot camp before then he dropped whatever he was doing and got it done right then and there! Say what you want about furry artists, they treat their clients with respect! I focused most of my energy today on writing my letter back. It wouldn't have taken me nearly as long if the Sandbox app didn't give me 6000 characters to work with! He's really struggling and he hardly has any contact with the outside world (for modern day standards that is) so I really really want to make it count. I just kept on writing wanted I wanted him to know and I kept thinking of more and more things and before I knew it I'd used up 5000 characters. 944 words so far. I'm waiting on a friend to lmk what he wants me to put in the letter for him and I'll send it off on the sandbox app. I don't have much writing energy left so I'll end the good part there.







Now, onto the bad part. My dog got in a fight with the neighbors dog. I was in the backyard with my dogs when the neighbor opened his gate to the alley to do something and his dog ran out from under his feet. The dog walked right on over to a particularly weak portion of our heavily run down wooden fence, and instigated a fight with My pitbull Apollo, who got there faster than I could. The neighbors dog regretted it almost immediately. Apollo immediatly got a strong hold on the neighbor dogs snout, essentially making the poor bastard helpless. Me and the neighbor were trying to pull our dogs off of each other for probably a minute but it felt like a year. My throat hurts because I was screaming bloody murder the entire time. Eventually Apollo finally let go of the poor fucker and I was able to drag his ass back inside. My heart was beating so fast I starter dry heaving. It was pretty terrifying but Apollo is pretty much untouched and I think the neighbor dog is okay because afterwards the guy was really friendly while he explained himself. And besides, he's lucky that Apollo didn't get his fucking neck or anything.
But I also can't deny that I should just fix the fence... I have time, money, energy, and no excuse not to. This isn't the first time this has happened, and if I don't at the very least reinforce the fence, it certainly won't be the last.
I think that's all for today. Good night dear reader.

8.31.2024...August in review

Saturday

Well, all in all... This month would've been much worse had I not found Neocities.
At the start of this month I was dealing with some really rough depression after a month long tolerance break that gave me an, ironically, sobering reminder of why I have a problem with weed. And it certainly didn't help that an online friend I was really fucking with at the time was leaving for boot camp and won't be back until October 27th. It was probably the second worst depressive episode I've had in my life. In an attempt to rekindle old flames in me, I was redownloading Minecraft when I saw This video on Youtube while waiting for the launcher to install, and I am so fucking grateful that I did.

You can interpret it as me being a creative soul or me escaping reality through work, but generally speaking the times in my life I've been the most content were when I had some creative project to build up. With Neocities, I've been happily scratching that itch bloody, but there are other benefits/reasons for me to commit to this in the future.
For one, I feel much more motivated to journal and write because of this page. A lot of people know that journaling is good for your mental health, but less people know how good it can be for your social life too! There's this great video from Cole Hastings that talks about how important storytelling skills are when translating thoughts to words, and how we can improve our storytelling skills through journaling and learning to communicate our thoughts clearly and gracefully. Of course this is just a helping hand and NOT a solution for awkwardness or anything, the best way to learn how to socialize is by socializing more. But I'm also gonna write about and/or review whatever my autistic mind has it's sights set on, and I think that'll help strengthen my critical thinking skills and give me a better idea of where i'm coming from when analyzing media or reflecting on an event.
I also think it'll be a great tool for introducing myself to people. I'm one of those guys who'll stammer and stutter if you ask me to tell you about myself. Whenever someone voices curiosity about me, I think it'll be great to be able to give them this website's address and let them learn as much or as little about me as they want at their own pace. That is, on VRChat and some other online spaces... I think I'll stick with stammering and stuttering in real life for now.

Outside of Neocities, I haven't had much going on. I never do really. Twenty years old and still don't have my license :) I've lived a suffocating sedentary lifestyle pretty much my whole life thanks to a combination of the spread of brainrot over the past decade and severely mentally ill parents, so it makes sense that I have so little incentive to learn to drive. It certainly doesn't help that my family can't be bothered to encourage or even pressure me into learning since their standards for me have always been extraordinarily low. If you're reading this and ever see me in VRC, bully me for being 20 and not having my license!
Oh yeah and I turned twenty lol that too

I look back on this past month fondly mostly because I think I'm going in a better direction. I've made some progress in learning to talk seriously and honestly, without the shields of sarcasm, detatchment based humor, and the iconic "lol" at the end of a sentance that was the polar opposite of funny. I've been spending more time with my sister and I've been getting closer to my VRC friends. I've still got some weeks before the new(and the first) anti-depressant I'm taking goes into full effect. I've even been enjoying regular games again! I will say though, I've hardly read any books this month, but that's because I've hardly done anything other than build this website, but that's gonna change soon! Now that I've got the basic layout of my site down, I won't have to put so much time into considering how I want everything structured. Well, not that I HAD to...

All in all, I think I'm out of that major depressive rut, and I don't think September is gonna suck but I don't have the optimism to tell myself it's gonna be great either.

8.27.2024...little bit of gayming

Tuesday

Hello peoples! I gotta say, this year I've hardly played any games outside VR. I don't think I'm "growing out" of video games per say, but at this point in my life I guess I find it difficult to dedicate my time to games that don't benifit my life outside of them, like Beat Saber and VRChat do. This past week though, I got back into a few games I have downloaded on my PS5, which has basically become a glorified media player.
Titanfall 2 is one of my absolute favorites and I've replayed the first half of it's campaign at the time of me writing this. This game really is my Halo 3, and I feel so lucky to have played during its glory days as a kid. At the time I really resented how overlooked it was(and still is), but looking back on it seven coming on eight years later, I feel grateful to have been apart of a small tightknit community like that.
For fps campaign standards, Titanfall 2 goes pretty fucking hard; It may not make any sense but it understands that that's not the point. A lot of big fps releases nowadays try to win players over with absolute dog diarrhea stories that give context to gameplay not much different from anything else on the market now and before... Titanfall 2 understands the importance of focusing on the ride and putting the story on the back burner. I should make a section on Titanfall 2 someday :3

Two of the games have been rougelikes! well, Risk of Rain is rougeLIKE, Slay the Spire is rougeLITE or whatever.
Super glad I decided to try RoR2 back in 2019 cus this game really is such a blast! I've been mostly playing the bandit (right) but sadly i've never beaten the game before so I still can't play as the captain (left). I really like how this games item system scratches some gamblers itch in me, especially since they've added loads more content to the game since the last time I've been really into it! In fact, a Whole new expansion for it came out TODAY! :D Funnily enough, the only reason I got back into RoR2 was cuz they're adding CHEF INTO IT AAHAHAAAAAAAHHHHH HES HERE HES FINALLY HERE!!!!11!!!11!!!!!!

Chef was my all time favorite survivor from RoR1! I hadn't been playing RoR2 nor was it in any corner of my stream of consciousness, but when I saw that trailer I literally jumped out of my seat and started jumping up and down out of sheer hype! That's when I decided to re-download RoR2 and give it a shot.
Translating Chefs kit from 1 to 2 would be difficult because in 1 he's fundamentally built for a 2-D environment, so I've always been super curious to see if he would still be so good in the second game. Welp, I'll be getting my answer soon hopefully! I do plan on buying Seekers of the Storm, but idk if I'll have to do anything to get him... fingers crossed, cuz I don't spend too much time on games lately.

Speaking of rougelike where you're at the will of random chance, Slay the Spire! I wouldn't call myself a deckbuilder fan, but I really enjoy this game and Inscryption! My first run back, I got to floor 30 even though I was still getting a hold on the game again! Not bad not bad. When I played it a couple years back I seem to have mained the Defect, but dude the Ironclad is overpowered as fuck!! You need to be super careful in this game cuz healing opprotunities don't come very often, but the Ironclad heals 6 hp after every battle! It felt like playing on easy mode, the amount of damage I ate would've ended my run if I were playing another character. Also, there's a second game coming! Neato!

I've also been playing some Fortnite with friends but I got some other stuff to do so I'm gonna end it right here. Bye bye!

Wednesday

Now, THC has been re-incorperated into my life and has been coming and going since Febuary this year, and I've realized lately that throughout the past six months of getting high I haven't used flower at all. This was mainly because concentrates are more convinient, significantly less stinky, and have a much higher percentage of THC. However, I'm starting to think that maybe the reason I become so retarded when I smoke concentrates is BECAUSE they're, like, 98% THC.
Well lucky me, because today my brother came over with a blunt! I got too high for this to be a worthwhile "test" of how I do on flower, but i'll tell ya it was nice! My tastebuds have grown accustommed to the smooth dankness of concentrate, forgetting the earthy burn of flower until earlier today. I did feel more functional and found it easier to have honest conversations, but to be fair, that's always how it is before my tolerance builds up. I'm not sure if it's due to lower TCH or lower tolerance, nor am I sure if I'm willing to spend the money to find out...
Buying the weed itself is no big deal, but I'll have to buy a pipe to smoke it out of and a stink-proof container to store it in as well, adding $75-$90 to an already roughly $40 purchase. And keep in mind, this whole flower thing is just an experiment. I don't really wanna spend $130 on something that might not work out for me in the end. We'll see.

I worked my ass off on this site today, I think for about nine hours? Got a lot of work done on my marquees! Originally I was going to have the left side be stamps and the right side be buttons, but there seems to be way more stamps out there than buttons and adding new items to the marquee would be a pain in the dick anyway cuz of the way I've done it. Go ahead, Ctrl + U and see for yourself :3 So yeah I'm gonna have stamps on the right side too and I'll find something neat to do with buttons. I have these marquees layed out the way they are because I think it makes my blinkies, stamps, buttons, and webring(coming soon) much more visible, and also makes the site feel more alive and dynamic. I haven't seen anything quite like what I've done with these marquees, and there's probably a reason for that but I'm more than happy to ignore reason >:3.
I'm really starting to love how this place is coming together!

My Birthday
Sunday-Monday

Freshly Twenty Years Old
I guess a lot of people that I tell are gonna ask me "how does it feel" and I'm not yet sure how to reply in a way that doesn't make me seem generally dissatisfied with my life, even if that is the norm for people my age nowadays. I DO feel a decent amount better ever since I've started working on this website, and I have been doing particularly good these past few days, which I'm hoping is a result of a new medication I've been taking; I went to the doctor the other day to discuss a change to my ADHD medication. He said theres this medication for anxiety and depression called Welbutrin that's been approved to also be perscribed to people with ADHD Along With their medication, and that it can work pretty well for people like me who've built a tolerance to what their taking. Imma keep it real with yall, I think an anti-depressant is exactly what I've been needing for a few months now lol. I should start to feel it's effects one to two weeks in and it should be in full force at around six to eight weeks if I'm remembering correctley.

With all that, even though i'm doing better I'd still be lying if I said I was in a good place atm. It's been a while since I've felt a strong lust for life or interest in learning new things and the reasons why are stories for another day. But all in all, even if i'm not as far along as I'd prefer to be, I do think I've made good progress in terms of working on myself. My self esteem/respect has grown somewhat and I feel like I have a much clearer idea of why I struggle with people and what I can do to help myself in that regard.

Being free of the social media brainrot that poisoned my mind for so many years feels like a curse on me has been lifted! I feel like i've experienced more art, made more money, and felt more genuine connections with people. But video games have become much less of a priority for me, and I can't help but feel like I'm having a mild identity crisis in that regard since gaming has been a massive part of my life for as long as I can remember.
So yeah. Not super excited to be 20 tbh but atleast i'm not scared.

I had a great birthday tho!!! well okay i had to go to work at 3 on my birthday >:[ but I had Sunday off so we did birthday shit then and today while we could. I wanted to go to this badass hotdog place we have called Flippers Tavern, but they were closed on Sunday :[ so we went where my twin sister wanted to go, Copper Caboose. It's a pretty generic burger steak type place but they have shitty American Arcade Cabinets to mess around with so I never mind going there. "No No No, this isn't Flappy Bird silly, this is
Afterwards I hung out with my family for the rest of the day :3 I busted out my Switch for the first time in god knows how long to play Stardew Valley with my twin sister while we hung out with everyone.

I got a ps4 for Christmas in 2016 and Stardew was the first game that REALLY grabbed me by the balls. I vividly remember being dizzy with excitment once, telling my Mom and Grandma that I'd played eighty hours of Stardew Valley. "that's not something to be proud of..." said Grandma, humorously but clearly honestly. For once, I didn't care what she thought of me.
It was a lot of fun to revisit the game after all these years, especially since my sister is super autistic about it atm and knows way more about it than I ever did! Guess which ones me lol


Today we got to go to Flippers Tavern and yall HOLY FUCKING JUMPIN JESUS these were the GREATEST hotdogs I've ever eaten in my life oeidrufygbncvmkb iuygtfrdesdcftvyucfidoekdjfnvb

I was paying for the food so I splurged and got myself two dogs! The waitress warned me "they're big dogs..." I replied "I'm a big boy".

The Super Sonic

Roasted garlic sausage, bacon jam, whipped cream cheese, sriracha, griddled onions, and fresh jalepeno...$12

I got this one cuz i thought id like it (i did)

The Sourpuss

Griddled sauerkraut, pickle spear, crushed salt & vinegar chips, and queso franco...$10

i got this one cuz i hadn't had anything like it before

Motherfucking Wow!
Back when I was young enough to be able to pick one food as my #1 favorite, it was hotdogs. And it's a damn shame that they've become synonymous with processed slop nowadays, because you can create some mindblowing dogs if you've got the right ingridients and a big enough mouth gape. I also got to try what my sister got, Flippers take on the classic chilidog!

The Damned Dog

House beef chili, cheddar, diced onion, jalapeno crisps...$10

This one tasted absolutley grand, honestly a lot better than the sourpuss even tho it was still pretty good.
My mom got this badass looking vegan jackfruit sandwich

Vegan Jackfruit Tinga Torta

Chipotle braised jackfruit and onion, street corn salad, avacado, cilantro...$10

and she liked it but honestly i though it tasted disgusting in an oddly specific way... So at the fair here we have this barn where you can see a bunch of animals doing animal type shit right? This sandwich... tastes the way that barn smells... is the best way I can describe it. Not a fan.
All in all this place was an absolute BLAST! A Damned Dog for ten bucks? I'll be taking plenty of people here in the future I'll tell you that much!

Only one more year until I can (legally)drink! Me and my family have very addictive personalities and my Dad was your textbook alcoholic bum. Despite this, I am super excited to be able to go to the bar! I feel like there's just not much for a young wippersnapper like me to do in this place. But if theres one thing we all have in common, it's that we love escaping our problems through substance use. You can feel however you want about alcohol and drugs, but you gotta admit, they bring people together in a way that isn't often seen in modern America. I think being able to connect with new people over drinks is going to be great for my social life, maybe not for my liver though...

Twenty years is a long time but I feel like the person I am inside my brain hasn't existed for very long at all. its four in the morning. I should wrap this up. Good night sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite!

Monday
1:50am
It's always been varying degrees of difficult for me to try a new game, but now that I've found two games I genuinly love with all my heart along with hobbies and interests OUTSIDE video games, it feels damn near impossible. I'm glad I tried Risk of Rain 2 back in late 2019, just played this game for the first time in who knows how many months and just kinda slipped right back into it. Acrid is still best boy and the most fun to play imo. Only lasted like 15 minutes but had a great time lol.

I always think about trying a new game but I can never quite conquer my rigid autistic rituals. Funny fact, I was actually in the process of redownloading Minecraft when I saw a video about neocities on my youtube feed... and here we are. I planned to join a Minecraft server but still haven't. Shoulda had my FBT set up my now but I still don't. Have'nt even gotten started on Children of Time like I wanted to. (I'm actually considering rereading House of Leaves)
But atleast I've gotten some good work done on this site. Been working on my Internet Crusader review, decided to actually start filling this sight with something to read other than my autistic rambling about how my life's been.

shitty.

its been shitty.

but I don't want this site to have, like, a trauma dump section or anything so I'll try to keep the NOT fun mental illness to a minimum. The funny mental illness, on the other hand, has a home here.

On the brighter side, I discovered a new manga I really like through Neocities! You may have seen this site called Read Nekojiru around. I did, and i've fallen in love with it's morbid humor, unhinged nature, nihilistic worldview and a general lack of that signature Japanese peer pressure that holds so many artists back. Mangaka Nekojiru beutifully illustrates her dark thoughts and traumatic childhood through the dreamlike and often bloody misadventures of two little cat-children.

While part of me wishes this manga had a bigger audience in the west, I can't imagine mainstream exposure ending well... I can definitly see the provocative nature of Nekojiru's art upsetting people who let themselves get offended by shit online that has nothing to do with them, escpecially taking into consideration the, uh, the River God chapter.
If you know you know.
but yeah, if you like dark humor and cats, I definitley recommend Nekojiru! Oh and Cat Soup is ABSOLUTLEY FUCKING INCREDIBLE. I am SO going to write a review on it someday but I'll have to watch it again and also read some more of the manga to get context.

Rest In Piece Chiyomi Hashiguchi
1967-1998

1:40am
I've had my full body tracking shit for like four days and I still haven't finished setting it all up. I just been so focused on this website and others. I also got some new books today! One was a recomendation from my friend, Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky. From what I read on the back, a bunch of people in space stumble upon a planet that seems just right for humans, damn near made FOR humans. It winds up being too good to be true tho, cuz another species wants it too. There's a lot of commentary that could be made about human nature, and i'm intrigued to see how the cast treats the planet knowing what happened to earth. Plus, i recently finished the Three Body Problem trilogy (or as it's Officially known, Remembrance of Earths Past trilogy) so I'm excited to have another sci-fi space epic to compare it to.

The other book I got is one Internet Crusader by George Wylesol. I actually found out about this book on neocities! regret to say that i forgor where... this is a graphic novel about a boy who has to use the mystical power of the golden era internet to stop a satanic doomsday cult from doin doomsday cult shit! only read the first seven pages so far and i love georges hand drawn internet style! There's a ton of potential for a story told through screenshots of someones computer screen, and I really hope he takes advantage of its unique storytelling approach instead of just having it be a gimmick that gets old like 30 pages in.

Sunday
Well today was a real doozy.
I remembered that I still had some edible gummies from some months back and i decided I might as well eat them while they're still edible since I had today off anyway. Edibles usually take a while to kick in for me so I made the silly mistake of eating them first thing in the morning. Bro, that shit kicked in IMMEDIATLEY. I was hoping to at least mess with my full body tracking for a little but I was fighing for my fuckin LIFE tryna make myself some eggs.
Luckily i wasn't completley retarded for long. After an hour or two i was functional enough to mess with this place some more. Still figuring out what I want its basic layout to be. Added a comment section, some buttons, and a pretty new background :-D I also cleaned my room for the first time in, like, a month?? If you're reading this CLEAN YOUR ROOM STINKY!!!! and drink some water while your at it.